Trekkies!!!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8ZBTDlvShYg

This isn't a real commercial....but it should be!!!! Totally awesome!!!!!

Die Hard Dr. Who Fans???

I have downloaded, and copied a complete (45 pages) series on how to build a Dr. Who TARDIS garden shed!!! Full size, and the only totally excellent copy I've seen anywhere!!!!

I'd love to say I'm going to build it, and I would if I had the tools to do so.... but I would have to buy a bunch of tools, and I don't know if I want to do that...

But, if you want a copy of the plans (pictures and all!) just write to me at witchbythesea@gmail dot com... with your address and name, and I'll send a copy off to you!

And it's cool if you don't live in the US, I'll still send it on to you!

To lift Depression

HAPPINESS SPELL

You need: A candle in your favorite color.
5 red rose petals.
A picture of you as a child looking happy.


Sit cross-legged on the floor and make sure you are comfortable light the candle and spread the rose petals out around it.

Put your picture in front of you and look deep into the flame of the candle.
Relax for a few seconds and breathe deeply forgetting everything that is depressing you.

Push all your unhappiness into the rose petal closest to you.

Talk the rose petal and crush it in your hand and throw it away.

Breathe deeply again and look into the picture of you as a happy child and chant

"By the power within me, let happiness be.
Dig up from the corners of my mind, the happiness and carefree of a child.
Push away heavy thoughts, let happiness flow free.
So Mote It Be."

Chant this about 3 times, more if you like but no less.
Close your eyes imagine being young and carefree.
Then blow out the candle stand up and spin around anti clockwise in a circle 3 times.
Get two rose petals close your eyes and rub them along your eyelids gently.
Then go outside and bury the rose petals under a special tree.


HAPPINESS /COMFORT SPELL

You need Jasmine oil Freshly picked flower (any kind will do)
Paper + Pen Candle Container
Write down on a piece of paper who or what makes you sad or angry and burn the paper saying:

"I burn this paper to bring me happiness."

Then drip the jasmine oil on the flowers and burn the flowers saying:

"I burn these flowers to bring me comfort."

Pour the ashes into the container while saying:

"Akasha (the goddess), bring me happiness and bring me comfort."

Repeat it three times then put the container somewhere cool.


DEPRESSION RELIEF SPELL

You will need:
white candle, black marker with wide felt tip, kunzite or blue agate, lemon balm,
lemon oil, and cloth pouch

Begin by completely coloring the candle black with the marker to symbolize the
depression that presently encases you.

Light the candle & say:

"Flame cut through depression, deep. Melt it down & make it weep.
Grant me power to re-emerge, From its grip, I leap & surge."

Watch the candle burn until white wax appears at the flame.

Rub a bit of lemon oil into the stone & say:

"Kunzite/agate, stone of mellow hue,
Dissolve the depression, I beg of you.
Take its power & transform its strength.
Into positive energy I can use at length."

Lightly rub the stone against your temples & your heart, then place it in front of the candle & sprinkle it with lemon balm. Let the candle burn completely.
Place the stone & herb in the cloth pouch & carry it with you.

When your spirits need a lift, re-anoint the stone & repeat its empowerment chant.
Also suggest that you meditate. It helps make you calmer and be able to see things in a clear light.

Above and Below, Dr. Who, and Capt Jack

Though I miss my old Time Lord, I do fancy the new one. This music montage covers the end of the Dr. and the End of Torchwood.

It's absolutely sad and gut wrenching.... so gather your tissues, and cut and paste the link, and enjoy the music!

A fitting end to two wonderful men!








http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gzoLSOkxjzc&feature=related

I've started packing

Oh no you don't!!!

I know you think I'm packing my clothing for Shore Leave.... that's 72 days away (I'm not counting... I swear!), but nope, not my clothing!

I'm getting the little stuff, stuff that is sooooooo easy to forget, together and putting it in the suitcase. Like?


Well, like my coffee. Now each room has a coffee maker, and comes with the hotel coffee and stuff.... but I have a special coffee that I call..."I've only had 3 hours of sleep and I need to be awake NOW!!!" coffee.

In a small Tupperware bowl, I put instant coffee, coco powder (yes, pure coco powder not a mix or anything) and sugar! Mix it all together, pop it in the Tupperware... and in the suitcase.

Now this coffee, with the mix of coco and sugar, will wake ANYONE UP!!!
Super strong!!! I will get you out of your room, dressed, and back to the convention.... and you won't even realize it's happened!! GIGGLE

And, yes, I'm bringing enough for a bunch of people! Even if my friend and daughter don't come with me... there are always people who hang around in your room!

Plus, regular coffee (all in little Tupperware containers) sugar, powdered milk. Also a real knife, fork and spoon and one dish (no paper crap for me!) cause I eat a lot in my room... instead of paying big bucks at the con.

(plus they only give you enough for one pot of coffee, and those tiny sugar and creamer packets that last for one cup... so I bring my own!)

A little plastic baggie with my favorite incense in it, and a incense holder.

Little baby deodorant, and mouthwash, and tooth paste (I use the hotel's shampoo, it's fab!!!)

I've got this cute cloth sock purse that I put little stuff in, such as, safety pins, sewing needle, black thread, little tiny pair of scissors, and band aids!

A bottle of fabreeze, the one that also has a germ killer in it. Like to do my sheets and blankets with it.

A little pill bottle that I saved from something... and in it I put, aspirin, my blood pressure pills for the weekend, allergy meds, even cranberry pills (in case someone complains about a bladder infection)some horded antibiotics, and anything else I can think I might need for the weekend.


Of course I have them all together, so I have to spill out the bottle to get the right pill..... but I have them. (I've forgotten all that shit, one time or another, and needed it... now I put it in early, and I'm sure I have it)

As I go along I'll think of other stuff that I should bring... and pop it in the suitcase.... so when it's a few days away, all I have to do is add my clothing and shoes.... and I'm done!

It may seem TOO early and TOO anal, to some of you... but when your bra strap breaks and you don't have another... who's room are you going to run to for a needle and thread?? That's right.....ME!!!! GIGGLE

Purging

Yesterday it was raining and cold, and I decided to CLEAN OUT MY BEDROOM CLOSET!!!

Not just clean it, but purge it!!! Finally get rid of all the clothing that:

1. didn't fit... but liked it anyway

2. was from the 60's, 70's and so on

3. Clothing friends gave me, and that I didn't want to get rid of in case I offended them.

4. "What was I thinking" clothing... yeah, you know what these are!


I closed the drapes, got undressed, and put all the lights on by the mirror, and proceeded to try on everything!!! And then made piles... things to chuck, things to keep, and things that, even I, had no clue why I got them!

I feel soooooo much better now!!!

I also have a section in my closet that I call, the "star trek convention section"!

Things I buy to wear at the cons, that I don't wear anywhere else for fear of staining them (big boobed women and food stains, need I say more?)

I found stuff there that I didn't remember having!!! Sure cut my shopping trip for the con in July down to nothing!! Got all I need, and didn't even remember I had bought them!!!

I keep thinking about the stuff in the bags.... and fighting the need to go thru them again and keep some stuff! (WHY do we get so attached to clothing we can't or won't wear????)

I did keep one tie-dyed tee shirt that I've had since before I got married!!! And I would have been married 36 years!!! It's really old, but still fits, and brings back memory's of being single... who could get rid of that???????

But, other then that I'm tossing the rest! I promise, no going into the bags, everything gone, gone, gone!!!!

Pretty Kitty

Spring has sprung!

SUN!!!!

This winter was so bad, dark and raining... that is when it wasn't snowing.... that as soon as the nicer weather showed up.... I got to TANNING!!!

Usually, every year when I go to my convention in July.... I put on my bathing suit, and look like the underbelly of a beached whale!!! WHITE, WHITE, WHITE!!!

This year I decided that if I'm going to be outside working in my garden... I might as well start tanning!

OK, now I don't know if it's the tanning, or just the idea that I can lay outside, on my swing, and worship the sun!!!!



But, worshiping it I have been!!!

I've also found out that I'm allergic to most suntanning cream, oil, or spray.... but that's OK. Because I always tan nice.

What I've been doing is going outside around 9 am... while the sun is shinning, but it's still cool... and laying out on the swing enjoying the rays!!! As you can see from the picture above, I have tanned... and all my freckles have popped out!!!!

I only stay there about an hour, then I go in, get dressed, and start working in the garden!

I'm telling you I FEEL FANTASTIC!!! I know all the warnings about the sun, but I've always been a sun bunny, and I always will be!

I, of course, wear shorts, but I put on my bathing suit top.... just so the tan looks good when I'm wearing my bathing suit at the pool.

I've done a lot of work in the garden. All my containers are planted. This year I went with dark red flowers, and yellow daisy style marigolds!

The rest of the planters are herbs, and of course the tomatoes.. and The Frog Queen "Magic pumpkin seeds"

I'll post some pictures later in the week.... cause It's raining AGAIN today, and the weather report says it might be a few days before it clears! SIGH But, it will clear, summer will come, and I will be lean, mean, and tan!!!

Oh, I forgot to mention I lost another 12 lbs. on this allergy reduction diet!!!! Not bad for not being on an actual "Diet"!!

Plus, with no allergy's making me feel sleepy and uncomfortable... I'm all peppy and energetic! Something I haven't been in YEARS!!!

Frog Magic

This mind of a frog spell is used to evoke a new mind set on an enemy or someone
that is harassing you or someone you know.

As always with casting magic spells and curses
on enemies, be careful what you wish for, because magic always
has a way of returning itself.


MIND OF A FROG SPELL

This spell gives person mind of a frog. You need to
point on a person and say...

"Higady, pigady, pong! I give you a mind of a frog"



WART REMOVAL SPELL

used in old times and really does work. Try it and you will see.

This spell is intended for people who want to remove some wart off their body no matter how big or small they are.

Get a one small pea, touch the wart with the pea, fold it in a paper and bury it in moist ground, I repeat MOIST GROUND.

As the pea rots, so the wart will go away.



A SIMPLE AND POWERFUL WART REMOVAL SPELL


Wait for the full moon to cast this wart removal spell, as you need the power of the waning moon to bring it to fruition.

Take a small light blue piece of paper and write, "Wane this wart" on the center of the paper. Sign your name below.

Light a baby blue candle, the color of health, and allow a few drops of wax to drop on the paper over the words "Wane this wart." Make sure the drops fall in one single puddle.

Rub a fresh pea over the wart. It is most powerful if you have a garden and can harvest a pea, but any pea will do. As you rub the wart with the pea, repeat three times,

"Merry moon, merry moon, take this wart and take it soon."

Place the pea on top of the wax and carefully wrap the paper around the pea. Bury the pea in moist dirt, where the pea will quickly rot, preferably near tree roots. Re-light the candle every night, repeating the chant three times. On the next new moon, your wart should be gone.




This is not a spell, but it seems to work every time with a wart. Cut a piece of silver duct tape to cover the wart, keep it on, replacing it when it starts to fall off or gets wet. Check every other day or so, and the wart will be gone while your not even looking!!!!!

Black Magic Spells

Dreaming True Magic Spell

To acquire prophetic dreams.

If you need knowledge regarding a certain matter but do not wish to resort to any other form of conjuration, then this is a very simple and often quite effective magic spell of attaining it. First, wait until the moon is waxing, approaching full. Then take a warm bath prior to going to bed in which you have added a few drops of the following mixture:

Oil of Thyme
Oil of Lavender
Oil of Rosemary
Oil of Peppermint
Powdered Poppy Seed

While you are taking the bath, light incense of:

Jasmine
Powdered White Sandalwood

Before you lay down to sleep write your question on a white piece of paper and place it in a small sachet with crushed Rowan leaves or crushed, dried Rowan berries.


If the magic spell works then you should have your answer within a week.




Magic Scrying Spell

To see visions via a Scrying mirror or crystal and to receive spiritual messages.

Procure a clear, round piece of crystal or concave glass.
Wash it in sea or salt water to consecrate it.
Next, take a vial of black paint and add one pinch of finely powdered St. John's Wort, then paint the back of the glass or crystal.

While you are painting say the following incantation to the Cabalistic Archangels:

I request that Michael, Gabriel, Raphael and Uriel bless this Scry Stone.
I ask that all visions be pure and true!
So mote it be!


Allow the paint to fully dry. Using a Silver candle in a darkened room, gaze into the Scry stone and concentrate on a specific question or person that you require information on.




Cauldron Prophecy Magic Spell

For prophecies to be revealed through dreams, strong impressions or immediate visions.

Fill a cauldron or large, black iron pot half-full of fresh water. Add a handful of Buttercup or Marigold petals. Light incense of Sage (also used for protection) or burn some Thyme. Stir the cauldron/pot gently three times while chanting the magic spell :

Into the threads of time I cast my thoughts
To catch a glimpse of what will be
O Gods of Asgard, bring into my mind
The lovely gift of prophecy


Look deep into the cauldron and you will receive messages



MAGIC LOVE SPELL


To return a loved one or gain the affections of a new love interest.

I get so many questions regarding this one!

I cannot force another to love us or to come back to us as that would be a violation of that person's Free Will and a Karmic no-no.

If they desire us, however, then we can nudge them along.

This magic spell utilizes a combination of symbology and your own psychic energy in conjunction with that of a living organism (a plant) to heighten the potency.

The precise purpose of this type of magic spell is to enhance the receptivity of your love interest to your feelings, desires and goals - not to make someone love you or come back to you.

Theoretically, this magic spell may be performed with any type of bulb from a Tulip to an Onion, although I have found that Hyacinth and Onion bulbs are the most effective.

one would not expect a less than desirable smelling Onion bulb would work, but it does!

You need to research and find out how to properly care for the specific plant you decide to use.

If your plant starts to die, there could be several reasons for this. One, the plant may have been sickly when purchased. Two, you are not following the directions for taking care of it adequately. Three, it is a message that this relationship is not meant to be.

How can you tell which reason is applicable? Try a new plant and ensure that you get a healthy one, feed and water it properly, then if it still does not thrive it may be best to release this person from your life.

This can occur if you are obsessed with the person you are focusing on when doing the recitation below. Obsession is never healthy for anyone.


Plant the bulb in a new flower pot naming it your loved one as you do. If possible tape a picture of the desired one to the bottom of the pot out of the view of others. If you do not have a photo you can write the person's name, and his or her's parents first names, on a small piece of paper and tape that to the bottom instead. Each time you need to water the plant, chant this magic spell :

As this root grows
and this blossom blows,
may (name loved one) heart be turned to me.
As (His/Her) Will, So Mote It Be!

Seaside Height, the past

My fav beach... Seaside Heights!!!

1930's



1940's



1950's

GLAMOR Spells!!!

A MAGIC HERBAL BEAUTY CHARM SPELL

You can use this charm to "fluff up" the glamour in your aura.
This combination of herbs works to give you not only radiance,
but also increased attractiveness and self-confidence.
Keep the sachet on your altar or near your bed where you can see it daily.
To make it you will need:

1 six-inch square of golden cloth
1 seven-inch square of green lace (dye some)
1 teaspoon of witch hazel bark or tincture
1 teaspoon of cardamom seeds (look in Grocery shop)
1 teaspoon grains of paradise (or use paprika)
1 teaspoon basil (Grocery or garden store)
1 teaspoon caraway seeds (Grocery store)
1 inch piece of dried ginger root and one of powdered icing sugar
1 inch piece of cinnamon stick (Grocers)
13 apple seeds (greengrocers or garden)
1 piece of rose quartz 1 garnet
Red ribbon to make tiny red ribbon roses. (or buy little red fabric rose's)

Lay out the gold cloth squarely on top of the lace.

In the center sprinkle the witch hazel, cardamom, grains of paradise, basil, and caraway.
Hold the sugar ginger in your hands and focus on your inner beauty; see it as ray of light making its way into your aura. Place the sugar ginger on top of the herbs.
Add the cinnamon stick, the apple seeds, the rose quartz, and the garnet.

Bring the corners of the cloth and the lace up to a bundle; wrap three times with the ribbon.
Tie three knots. Put the ribbon rose stems directly over the ribbon and wrap the ribbon ends three more times, tying three more knots to secure the ribbon roses to the sachet.

Trim any ragged ends. Raise energy and charge the sachet, saying:

"Treasures without, Treasures within
the glamour comes from my heart,
Beauty without, Beauty within,
Never from me to part. " It is done.



SPELL TO KEEP BEAUTY FROM FADING

When all your face appears most fair, When the comets and meteors gild your hair,
And in your eyes the moon and sun Contest, surrender, and burn as one,
When ivory Venus smoothes your brow, And Mars recurves your lips' red bow,
Make haste to utter this binding verse And hold the stars on their kindest course...

"Figure of fire,
That shifts and changes,
Planets that move
By heaven's hinge,
Be siged and fixed
Forever here,
And close my image
Within thy sphere"


Measure a yard of golden string Loose from your fingers let it swing,
Then tie it in thirteen sturdy knots, Hide it among your scents and pots.



MOONSHINE STARSHINE GLAMOUR SPELL

On a full moon, take a mirror and go outside.
(if you can't then open a window, make sure the moon is reflected on the mirror)
Take a piece of a picture (hair, lips, eyes, whatever you are interested in changing)
Place it on the mirror and concentrate on it and say:

"Moonshine, Starlight,
let the wind carry your light,
let your glow cover my body,
and let your shine cover every eye."

Say it 3 times and concentrate on the part that you want to change, Then say...

"Moonshine, Starlight,
shape and mould my body,
as a rose is granted beauty,
let me blossom in your light,
the light that brings me beauty,
and grant me beauty three times three"

Say it 3 times and when you are finished light a candle (pink) or some flower scented incense.



CASTING A GLAMOUR SPELL TO LOOK BEAUTIFUL TO PEOPLE

You will need the following:
1 rose quartz crystal
six rose petals
small bottle of witch hazel

Look at your face in a mirror and all of its flaws.
Visualize your face changing into the face you want and desire.
Rub the rose quartz lightly over the problem areas and say the following:

"Stone of Beauty, Stone of Love,
Erase imperfection as I rub,
Bring to me the face I see,
As I will so mote it be!!!"

Open then the bottle of witch hazel and insert the rose quartz.

Take the six rose petals in your right hand and say...

"Venus, One of beauty rare.
I offer you these petals fair.
Bless them with your loveliness
and bring the beauty I request."

Rub the petals over any line, wrinkle, imperfection etc.

Then drop them in the witch hazel.
Cap the bottle tightly and give it six good shakes a day for a week.
At the end of the week, use it everyday as a toner after face washing.
As you apply it say...

"Imperfections, go away.
Beauty of Venus, come forth this day."

We've been having unusually warm weather her at the shore, for spring that is.... It's hit the 90's every day for 3 days now, and the weather report says one more day to go!

I love it!!! I don't mind it at all, but my poor kitty has been looking at me like.... WTF LADY!!!


He's been sprawled out in all the cool area's he can find, and moving once it gets warm again, to another cool area.... so I took pity on him!

After all, I have to check the central air before summer starts?... what if it's broken?, or need some work?.... right????

Giggle, so today at 3pm I turned it on, just for an hour or so, to check it out... make sure it works... you understand that don't you???


Mmmmmmmmm cool air!!! Works just fine!!!! giggle I think I'll let it run a little bit.... just to be sure!

waaaaaah!!!!

No, really, I'm not! Let me say that again... No, really, I'm not! hummmmm No, really, I'm not!!!

STOP ME!

But truth be out, in some way I totally am!!!

Like my neat freak thing.... don't mess with my pillows on the sofa, or leave things out on my counter tops (unless, It's my things I leave out, and that's OK, cause it's MINE!)

Like this morning when I plucked every single, tiny weed on my lot, and then I wanted to go do my neighbors lots too!!!! ****Sigh*****

But worst of all I want to pack for SHORE LEAVE!!!!

Yep, NOW!

It doesn't matter to me that it's 93 days away!!! (did ya notice... I'm counting???)

It doesn't matter that everything would be wrinkled and smelly by then....

I WANNA, I WANNA, I WANNA!!!!

Maybe part of it is that know one has really POSITIVELY answered me about going with me!

My daughter is saying "yes", but she's got 4 kids, and things can change at any time... and Steph is still hemming and hawing... not quite sure if she's going or not... AND STUFF LIKE THAT DRIVES ME INSANE!

Of course, doesn't matter either way, cause I'm still going.... but... PLANS PEOPLE, PLANS, I HAVE TO MAKE PLANS!!!!

What kind of food to bring, what kind of clothing to bring, what amount of money do I have to have!!!

I'm like this Obsessive planner!!!!!

And, my suitcase is now in my closet.... it just glares at me every time I open the door... Like to say.. "fill me, fill me"!

TORTURE, PURE TORTURE!!!!

Whew! I feel better now, no, the compulsion has not gone away, but at least I've shared with the world that I'm a total nut job!!!

heart beating fast, going to faint!!!

I was sitting outside, enjoying the sun, sort of dreaming and just being happy.... when out of the corner of my eye I spied something on the ground.... coming towards me!!!!

Of course my mind, being slightly cracked, envisioned a HUGE SPIDER!!!!


Knocking over my chair, running away, screaming........


When I looked back.... chipmunk, sitting on the ground.... looking at me like I was out of my mind!!!!!


Very funny you little vermin!!!! Very funny!

Danish Humor

COPENHAGEN (AFP) – A skeleton briefly sat in for Copenhagen's beloved Little Mermaid, who left her spot in the harbour last week for China, the museum behind the April Fool's prank said Thursday.

"Copenhagen will be deprived of its Little Mermaid for six months, and we thought we should replace it. It's April Fools, after all!" Hanne Strager, the head of exhibitions at the Natural History Museum of Denmark, told AFP.

The replacement -- which even had a skeleton fish tail -- was placed in the same position as the Little Mermaid and sat in her vacant spot for two hours, to the delight of tourists.

"Half of the mermaid was built with a human skeleton, and the other with a swordfish" tail, Strager said.

"Many passers-by thought it was really funny and jumped in front of the mermaid to have their pictures taken," she added.

The real Little Mermaid statue left Copenhagen last week to be the centrepiece of the Danish pavilion at the 2010 World Expo in Shanghai until October 31.

It was the first time the iconic sculpture left her perch at the entry of the Copenhagen harbour since she was placed there almost a century ago.

Her skeleton replacement was introduced to the media in a prank statement that said the Little Mermaid "had returned".

The statement claimed it was the only remaining complete skeleton of a "Hydronymphus pesci", a species said to be extinct since the end of the 17th century.

It claimed to have acquired the remains at the beginning of the 18th century, and that the only other skeleton of the specimen, in Saint Petersburg's Hermitage museum, was "not as complete as Copenhagen's" because of its missing tail.

After basking in the Copenhagen sun for two hours, the fake skeleton was returned to the museum where it would be displayed during the Easter holidays, Strager said.

The Little Mermaid statue is based on a character in an 1837 fairytale by author Hans Christian Andersen about a half-human half-fish legendary creature in love with a human.

Edvard Eriksen's 1913 sculpture, measuring 125 centimetres (50 inches) and weighing 175 kilos (385 pounds), is considered a national treasure and one of the main tourist attractions in Denmark.

Couldn't resist re-posting this also!! OLDER WOMEN

As I grow in age, I value women who are over 40 most of all. Here are just a few reasons why:

A woman over 40 will not lay next to you in bed and ask, "What are you thinking?" She doesn't care what you think.

If a woman over 40 doesn't want to watch the game, she doesn't sit around whining about it. She does something she wants to do. And, it's usually something more interesting.

A woman over 40 knows herself well enough to be assured in who she is, what she is, what she wants and from whom.

Few women past the age of 40 give a damn what you might think about her or what she's doing.

Women over 40 are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant. Of course, if you deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you, if they think they can get away with it.

Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved. They know what it's like to be unappreciated.

A woman over 40 has the self-assurance to introduce you to her women friends. A younger woman with a man will often ignore even her best friend because she doesn't trust the guy with other women. Women over 40 couldn't care less if you're attracted to her friends because she knows her friends won't betray her.

Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to a woman over 40. They always know.

A woman over 40 looks good wearing bright red lipstick. This is not true of younger women or drag queens.

Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman over 40 is far sexier than her younger counterpart.

Older women are forthright and honest. They'll tell you right off if you are a jerk if you are acting like one!

You don't ever have to wonder where you stand with her.

Yes, we praise women over 40 for a multitude of reasons. Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal.
For every stunning, smart, well-coifed hot woman of 40+, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 18-year-old waitress.

Ladies, I apologize. For all those men who say, "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free." Here's an update for you. Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage, why?

Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig, just to get a little sausage. AMEN !!!

Reprint: Trying on the DREADED bathing suit!!!!!

There are a few steps to do, before trying on your bathing suit for the first time in the spring!!!


1. be DRUNK, very, very DRUNK

2. Only look at yourself in a mirror that shows you from your chest up!!!
Never a full length one!!!!!







3. Have emergency chocolate ready in case of shock

4. Get dressed in regular clothing, go to the beach or pool.... and LOOK AROUND! I mean really look around at the women.... ignore the teenyboppers, and just look at the regular women...

5. Feeling better? I thought so.... now go for it!!!!!

Creation of the Jersey Shore

Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God was missing for six days.
Eventually, Michael, the Archangel, found Him resting on the seventh day. He inquires of God, "Where have you been?"

God sighed a deep sigh Of satisfaction and proudly pointed downward through the clouds. "Look, Michael, look what I've made."
Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"

"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put life on it. I'm going to call it earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."
"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.

God explained, pointing to different parts of the earth, "For example, Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while Africa is going to be poor. The Middle East over there will be a hot spot."
God continued, pointing to different countries, "This one will be extremely hot and while this one will be very cold and covered with ice."

The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a large land mass with an ocean as it border and said, "What's that one?"

"Ah," said God, "that's the Jersey Shore, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful beaches, rivers, lakes, and climate.

The people from the Jersey Shore are going to be modest, intelligent, and humorous, and they are going to be found traveling the world.

They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, and high achieving people, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then exclaimed, "What about balance, God? You said there would be balance! Everyone and everything seems so totally perfect in this place you call the Jersey Shore"

God replied wisely, "Wait until you see the assholes I'm sending down from New York every summer."