The Rambling Mind

You know, I've always been a strong person. When I was younger I dreamed the dream that most women do, a man to take care of her. And I had that dream...But dreams aren't reality. And a man is just a little boy who wants YOU to take care of him, give him sex, feed him, and leave him alone.

So I became a stronger women. I had to do the bills, take care of the kids, clean the house, support him in his stupidity. All those stupid things that the little boy decided to do. No matter if it was something big, like changing his job, to something little like letting him buy hedge clippers..... And not having hedges! And at night I dreamed that he would die and go away, so that my life would be better. I got that dream, and am happy. I won't make that mistake again.

I learned that you can be dependent on a man, and still be in total charge of him. You have to. I'm afraid that most men, if not all, are just plain stupid! But I didn't want that!!!! I wanted HIM to be in charge, and take care of me. But that never worked out. I had to fix things, make things better he fucked up, and face the consequences of his actions, alone.

Being strong and independent has it's good sides and bad. I can do just about anything a man can, any kind of work, but when I need help with something......There's no one there. Friends and family think you can handle everything, so they never bother to offer help. That hurts, since they are always asking for help, but never offer it. It's understandable though, since I am the one that gives them the impression I can do anything. You sort of cut your own nose off in spite of your face. Giggle. I now understand that expression.

Changes are good. I've been wanting to make even more changes then I have. But something always holds me back. Maybe it fear the I'll be totally alone.....But isn't that sometimes better then being aggravated all the time??? I see what people are doing to themselves, and I can't help...Because they think it's what they want, and no one can change their mind. I see friends treating friends like dirt, and they keep forgiving them over and over. I love my friends, but there has to be a time you say, enough is enough. Doesn't there?

Well, just a bit of rambling in my mind as I sort out who I want to be. Should I stay on the same path and just be happy with myself, and ignore all the slights and jabs? Or should I go my way, change things, and maybe end up alone? But then aren't I already alone?

Hummmm, right now I vote for keeping things the same. LOL but that will change in the very near future. As my time grows shorter, I find that I can't stay as I've always been, it's just too much work. I need to find a path of lesser resistance. A path where I can walk among the flowers and enjoy what time I have left. I only ask that I don't walk that path alone....... But then dreaming has never worked out well for me.

The Sky

I think I'm getting addicted to the sky out here. I go outside, and it's so damn beautiful I can't help take a picture of it. This was last night when the sun was going down. I think it's a mix of the salt air and the regular air that makes it so spectacular!!!!

Busy Work

Well, I went thru the boxes of Christmas and fall decorations from my mom's house.

Most of it wasn't really usable. Broken, old, and falling apart.

I did manage to salvage some straw baskets shaped like pumpkins, but not much else. I also looked thru some of the Christmas decorations.

One Wreath was FANTASTIC. All pretty boxes decorated with sequins.....Unfortunately the rest of the decorations were wrapped candies..... And someone failed to tell my Mom that wrapped candies kept in an un-insulated attic, tend to melt allllllllll over the place. I was able to save some of the boxes, but the wreath had to be chucked....can you say "STICKY" ooooooohhhhh YUCK!

Everything has a really weird smell to it. I have no idea what that is, but thank the goddess for Fabreeze!!!! I tell you.....If my house EVER gets that OLD LADY SMELL to it, I'm gonna burn it to the ground. LOL

It's bad. But I'm sure most of it was from the fact that my Stepfather had a fear of bathing, and for the last 35 yrs all he ever did was sponge himself off in the basement sink. Is that sick????? I didn't know about that till my sister mentioned that the doctors at rehab told her about it. He didn't ever seem dirty, but I guess I was wrong!!! And WHY, AND HOW did my mother "Mrs. Clean" ever put up with that???????

I guess when you depend on someone to take care of you..... you have to bite the bullet and cope. Women from that generation had no idea how to take care of themselves. And you think with the depression, and lack of TV and appliances, that they would have been totally self-sufficient. But, my mom wasn't. Heaven forbid that her nails or hair became mussed. She went to church 3 times a week, and to the beauty shop at least once every 2 weeks. Never a hair out of place!!!!! Amazing!!

And the newest, Elizabeth Paige

Sabastion the oldest grandchild

Morganna with part of her Treasure chest from Great Grandmom

I NEED A VACATION

I need a facial, I need a vacation, I need a life!!!!!! I'm getting tired of sitting around the house all the time! True, I work on E-Bay ::: no great intelligence needed there ::: and I do hang around a lot with my friends..... Though I wonder sometimes that I NEVER see them on the weekends!!!!!! What's with that? I guess I'm just a weekday friend. LOL But it's true, Saturday and Sunday's I'm usually sitting home, because everyone else has plans...... And It seems I'm never included in them. That sucks!

Maybe it's because I'm not a PEST! I figure if they want to do something over the weekend, they'll call me. I don't interrupt weekends, especially with married friends. But, no one calls. So my weekends are the pits. LOL

But enough of bitching.....Wait, no I'm not done. What is it with men???? I don't understand how stupid they are!!!! If your a man, and you interested in someone....Try showing it sometimes.

And James, Oh Goddess, he's a total loser with women. He has no clue how to handle them, or treat them, or even know what they want!!!! He thinks everyone is just like HIM. He thinks he's going to meet Ms. Wonderful sitting around watching golf and sleeping in front of the TV!!!!!

And all these guys you meet on line, they are so fucking lazy that they want the women to do just about everything.... From calling to meeting. What ever happened to men who SHOWED they were interested, PAYED ATTENTION, COURTED A women???? They are all gone, and dead. LOL Better off alone then with someone who can't get the energy up to pay some attention to you.

Well, I think I'm going on vacation. When my mom's house sells, I'm going to take some of the money and go to Europe!!! Yep, gonna spend money on travel. Sounds good to me. Always wanted to go to England, and maybe Spain, France, the Alps.

You know, once your in England most of the other country's are just a train ride away. So I'm looking at tours. I'm going alone, since I know that no one can afford to go with me, so I'm looking at guided tours. They sound nice. You have everything planned out for you, plus a lot of your meals included, site seeing, shopping, and transportation. All planned and set. So you don't need someone with you to enjoy yourself! I think 2 weeks should do it. I want to see some castles, and country towns, stoneheadge, the alps, so much more!!!!!

I'll need major disposable camera's and extra money to spend, spend, spend. Sounds good to me. Giggle

Irish Spell

At Tara in this fateful hour.
I place all Heaven with it's power,
and the sun with it's brightness,
and the snow with it's whiteness,
and the fire with all the strength it hath,
and the sea with it's deepness,
and the rocks with their steepness,
and the earth with it's starkness,
All these I place
by God's almighty help and grace
Between myself and the powers of darkness

the beach