You know, I've always been a strong person. When I was younger I dreamed the dream that most women do, a man to take care of her. And I had that dream...But dreams aren't reality. And a man is just a little boy who wants YOU to take care of him, give him sex, feed him, and leave him alone.
So I became a stronger women. I had to do the bills, take care of the kids, clean the house, support him in his stupidity. All those stupid things that the little boy decided to do. No matter if it was something big, like changing his job, to something little like letting him buy hedge clippers..... And not having hedges! And at night I dreamed that he would die and go away, so that my life would be better. I got that dream, and am happy. I won't make that mistake again.
I learned that you can be dependent on a man, and still be in total charge of him. You have to. I'm afraid that most men, if not all, are just plain stupid! But I didn't want that!!!! I wanted HIM to be in charge, and take care of me. But that never worked out. I had to fix things, make things better he fucked up, and face the consequences of his actions, alone.
Being strong and independent has it's good sides and bad. I can do just about anything a man can, any kind of work, but when I need help with something......There's no one there. Friends and family think you can handle everything, so they never bother to offer help. That hurts, since they are always asking for help, but never offer it. It's understandable though, since I am the one that gives them the impression I can do anything. You sort of cut your own nose off in spite of your face. Giggle. I now understand that expression.
Changes are good. I've been wanting to make even more changes then I have. But something always holds me back. Maybe it fear the I'll be totally alone.....But isn't that sometimes better then being aggravated all the time??? I see what people are doing to themselves, and I can't help...Because they think it's what they want, and no one can change their mind. I see friends treating friends like dirt, and they keep forgiving them over and over. I love my friends, but there has to be a time you say, enough is enough. Doesn't there?
Well, just a bit of rambling in my mind as I sort out who I want to be. Should I stay on the same path and just be happy with myself, and ignore all the slights and jabs? Or should I go my way, change things, and maybe end up alone? But then aren't I already alone?
Hummmm, right now I vote for keeping things the same. LOL but that will change in the very near future. As my time grows shorter, I find that I can't stay as I've always been, it's just too much work. I need to find a path of lesser resistance. A path where I can walk among the flowers and enjoy what time I have left. I only ask that I don't walk that path alone....... But then dreaming has never worked out well for me.
Wednesday, August 31, 2005
Posted by Judith at 5:55 AM