Sunday, September 04, 2005

Last time

Well, I went to Mom's for the last time on Friday. We went thru the basement. I found some pretty nice thing, pots and pans ect. But, I kept walking around, remembering how it used to be. Ernie didn't keep the house up, he didn't have the skills for that, but the house still remained the same. Mom never changed anything. She had the same living room furniture for 50 yrs. The same dining room furniture and the same kitchen things. She was afraid of change I guess. I don't know what her problem was, maybe that's why I like change so much?

I like to change things constantly, from furniture, to decorations, to house's. Maybe I saw that fear in her and decided that that wasn't going to be me. Maybe, who knows.

But I knew it was the last time I would be in that house. The house where I was born, and lived for 25 yrs. It wasn't a good feeling. Eileen started to cry, but I made her stop, I couldn't hack it, and she would have just set me off. I waited till they all left the house, and I walked around it one more time.

And though I know it was silly, I pretended I was 6 yrs old again, going outside to play.......I called out "See you later Mom" and went out the door and closed it behind me. I could see myself running out to the back yard.......... I could see the past and even though I know It's long gone, I guess I mourned the loss of that childhood more then the loss of both my parents.

I long ago made my peace with my dad dying, so it didn't seem as hard when my mom went. I remember looking in the coffin and saying "that's not her". And I do believe it wasn't her. That tiny thin thing in the coffin wasn't my mom. Mom never sat still, she paced or stood, laying down wasn't like her at all. Maybe it makes it easier to bear that she's gone, if I don't admit she was laying there....But it really wasn't her. Not the mom I knew. In my mind she's still there, and I do love her....Even if showing love was almost impossible for her, I did love her.

Now they are all gone. My grandparents, my mom and dad, my husband. All gone. And I'm alone. There's no one left who really knew me as a child, no one that can remember for me, and think about me. It's a shame. My sister and my Aunt Harriet, cousin mike, and Eddie are all that are left of our family. Those people didn't really know me. Especially my sister, she never took the time to get to know me at all....But that's ok. I remember who I am

Some nights in the dark, I go back and remember, and the memory's were good ones. When I go, there won't be anyone there to say..... Oh my, but she was a pretty, cheerful child. A child who love nature, climing trees, barbie dolls, Cats. No one to remember me as a child, carefree and wondering. I wonder where the wonder went? It died as I grew, and it's been gone for what seems like forever.

That's the secret. Acting like a child doesn't make you a child, and it doesn't bring back good or bad memory's. Acting like an adult is the hardent, most hurtful thing a person can do....But you have to do it. To live, survive, and maybe every once in a while to be happy again.


Stephanie Cambpell said...

Hmmm...I'm not sure I agree with this one Judi. I think our "inner child' is the one that dreams, laughs, remembers, loves purely, acts without prejudice, etc... You don't die as a child and become an adult. I'm not sure a soul transitions in such a way. I think you as a child is always a part of who you are. Still, I've very touched by this post. I'm going to ponder it for awhile.