Wednesday, November 07, 2007

Ouch, yuck, yick

I'm tired of pain!!!!! I'm so tired of it.

Those of you who know me, know I have fibromyalgia....

What is Fibromyalgia?

"The variety and severity of symptoms caused by fibromyalgia vary from person to person. Widespread, chronic pain —often described as deep or burning—is the most common symptom.

This pain is more common in the body, hips, and shoulders, and it is rare in the hands and feet. It usually develops gradually and can interfere with even simple daily activities.

Other symptoms that commonly occur in addition to pain include:

Fatigue that interferes with work and daily activities.
Sleep problems (difficulty falling or staying asleep, waking up feeling tired).

Less commonly, people with fibromyalgia may have:

Morning stiffness lasting more than an hour.
Constipation or diarrhea related to irritable bowel syndrome.
Memory problems and difficulty concentrating.
Anxiety or depression.

Fibromyalgia can sometimes feel like the flu. You may experience body aches, tiredness, and intestinal problems. The pain in your joints and muscles may be especially bothersome at night, waking you from sleep, or in the morning, when you may feel very stiff and sore. You may have trouble concentrating because of fatigue.

People with fibromyalgia have periods when their symptoms become worse and periods when they have milder or no symptoms. Flare-ups of fatigue and muscle and joint aches are common, especially following physical or emotional stress. Many people with fibromyalgia report that cold or damp weather, poor sleep, fatigue, stress, or overexertion makes their pain worse."

That little blurb from the doctor doesn't even begin to tell you what it's like! When they say chronic pain, they mean day in day out, FOREVER!!!! You can't exscape the pain, it doesn't go away, sometimes it's better, but it always THERE!!!

what you all don't know is that I'm in pain, like 24/7!!!! Sometimes it not too bad, sometimes it brutal.

I remember when it started. I had just had my son Matthew, so it was 26 years ago! After his birth, I couldn't sleep, my nice foam mattress seemed lumpy and hard. I started waking up every few hours...... my hip would hurt, my arm would hurt, and so on and so on. I'd wake up, change positions, and try to sleep again. Thought it was the mattress, got a new one, but nothing seemed to help me.

I'm one of the weird people who refused treatment. I didn't want to spend my life on pain pills.......... and that's about the only treatment they offer you.

So I spend my days in pain. I try to smile, but sometimes it's just too fucking hard!

Like now, I'm in a BIG FLAIR UP! My ribs hurt when I breath, my shoulders, upper back, and lower back ache constantly. If you think it's funny, put a nail thru your thigh, and keep hitting it all day long.... that's the pain...... but instead of one spot, it's all over the fucking place.

I know I can take the pain pills, but I refuse. I will on rare occasions take some Tylenol, but even that is rare and far between.

And I WOULD KILL for a night without pain!!!!!!!!

ONE FULL NIGHT OF SLEEP!!!! Sometimes I wake up 6 or 7 times a night!!!!! You think I would be used to it, but even after all this time................ when I have a bad flair up like now........ I want to run outside, and step in front of a big fast truck!!!!!! Why not, it already feels like I've been hit by a truck, maybe not surviving is the way to go.

But the flair up will go down, and for a while I'll still be hurting, and not sleeping.... but the pain will me much more manageable, and at times.... I'll not even think of it. Until I try to move, or clean, or work in the garden, or do any type of physical labor at all!!!!

But I keep moving, refusing to allow myself to wallow in the pain. I'll go to Englishtown and walk for hours, even though I know that for a week after..... even walking will be agony. Maybe that's how I handle pain. I aggravate it, and ignore it. Hay, works for me.

But tonight I'm gonna take a Tylenol. Because I would love to breath without pain!!!!! During a flair up I get so depressed! Even sitting reading a book hurts!!!!!