Wednesday, November 28, 2007

I remember

I remember when Christmas died. I do, really. Christmas at my house when I was younger was a wondrous thing! It was magical, and warm, and wonderful. All those presents, well, not that many, but lots of things my parents made by hand.... in my opinion better then store bought. But it was great!

From decorating the tree, too Christmas morning. Sigh

Then I married Charlie, and Christmas died.

He didn't believe in Christmas, mothers day, birthdays, or anything that meant he had to spend money for gifts..... or take the time to buy the gifts.

So I plugged on alone. With no extra money to buy gifts, I had to scrimp and scrape just to make sure the kids got some nice things. Don't get me wrong, we had the money, Charlie was a postmaster with the post office, and even before he became one.... mail men made lots of money..... but he wouldn't give us any.

I had a budget of $800 dollars a month towards the end (picture 800 dollars after 21 years of marriage, and try to figure how much a month I had to begin with.... let me tell you not fucking much!!!!!). But he always had a good car, lots of money for toys and guns and hunting trips.

But for me That money had to go for food, and clothing, doctors, the morgage on the house, (plus the property taxes) and dentists, School stuff, and everything else......... with 3 kids and 2 adults to feed and dress........ $800 dollars a month didn't go far..... and Christmas presents always seemed just out of reach.

It became even worse when all three kids had braces. I had to pay $250 dollars EACH a month to the dentist. that's $750 out of 800..... needless to say some times the dentist didn't get paid..... or we had peanut butter and jelly for days on end.... and I can't even count how many times we ate spaghetti in a week!!!!!!

Don't get me wrong.....He had ways of getting more money, there was the credit union, or he could have cashed in his vacation days...... witch he did do every year, or just stopped buying guns and hunting stuff and give me the money instead..... but that money went to his hunting trips..... not to me or the kids.

Why did I stay with him???? A misguided idea that when you marry, it's for life... and I still believe in that to this day.

But Christmas died for me. All the work, the decorating, the trying to find gifts, and the cooking..... for what? Most of the time the kids didn't even appreciate it, and the fat slob I married enjoyed the food and stuff, and got to sit back on his ass and do fucking NOTHING. What more could a man ask for?

I still decorate. Put up my tree, and love to look at it. I still get stuff for the kids and grand kids. But each Christmas morning, I look at the tree, empty underneath, no gifts for me, no treats from Santa.... and I die a little along with Christmas.

Mark me well..... any single woman out there.... if your man doesn't have that magic, that love of giving..... he will kill you.. slowly. Over the years your spirit and love will wither away.

NO man is worth that! I found out the hard way. And remember it's not the amount of gifts..... Greed isn't pretty in any woman, it's the fact that he remembered, took the time to pick something out, and wrap it, and tried to make you happy.

I tried for years to make Charlie and the kids Happy... and I think I succeeded most of the time.... but never once did they try to make me happy. And that's the sad part.

So this Christmas morning, I'll wake up to an empty tree again. Maybe cry a little, then move on.

I do get gifts, from friends, and family, and I love it all..... but most of the time it's not till way after, or before Christmas.... never ON Christmas.

But there is still a little girl in me who believes in Santa, white Christmas's, happy birthdays, warm mothers day...... maybe in my next life.... one can always hope.