Saturday, December 13, 2008

Holiday Rules

To have a successful holiday season the following eating rules must be adhered to.

1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, it you see carrots leave immediately. Go next door, where they are serving rum balls.

2. Drink as much eggnog as you can, and quickly. it is rare, You can't find it any other time of the year but now, so drink up. Who cares that is has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you are going to turn into an eggnog alcoholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two, it is later than you think. It's Christmas!

3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy doesn't stand alone, pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy Eat the volcano. Repeat.

4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it is skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.

5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello?

6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Years, you can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10 pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.

7. Same for pies. Apple, Pumpkin, Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one desert? Labor Day?

8. Did some one mention fruitcake? Granted it's loaded with the mandatory celebrity calories, but avoid it at all cost, I mean, have some standards.

9. One final tip, If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Reread the tips, start over, January is just around the corner.

Remember this motto to live buy.
Life should not be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO what a ride!"


Don't forget to break out the Champagne New Years Eve.