Sunday, September 13, 2009

How to prepare for Halloween


Please use these helpful hints this and every Halloween and during the whole year.

1. When it appears that you have killed the monster, never check to see if it's really dead.

2. Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke.

3. Do not search the basement, especially if the power has gone out.

4. If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language which they should not know, shoot them immediately. It will save you a lot of grief in the long run. However, it will probably take several rounds to kill them, so be prepared. This also applies to kids who speak with somebody else's voice.

5. When you have the benefit of numbers, never pair off and go alone.

6. As a general rule, don't solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.

7. Never stand in, on, or above a grave, tomb, or crypt. This would apply to any other house of the dead as well.

8. If you're searching for something which caused a loud noise and find out that it's just the cat, get the hell out!

9. If appliances start operating by themselves, do not check for short circuits; just get out.

10. Do not take anything from the dead.

11. If you find a town which looks deserted, there's probably a good reason for it. Don't stop and look around.

12. Don't fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you're sure you know what you're doing.

13. If you're running from the monster, expect to trip or fall down at least twice, more if you are of the female persuasion. Also note that, despite the fact that you are running and the monster is merely shambling along, it's still moving fast enough to catch up with you.

14. If your companions suddenly begin to exhibit uncharacteristic behavior such as hissing, fascination for blood, glowing eyes, increasing hairiness, and so on, kill them immediately.

15. Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are listed here:

Amityville
Elm Street
Transylvania
Nilbog (you're in trouble if you recognize this one)
anywhere in Texas where chainsaws are sold
the Bermuda Triangle
any small town in Maine

16. If your car runs out of gas at night on a lonely road, do not go to the nearby deserted-looking house to phone for help.

17. If you think that it is strange you ran out of gas because you thought you had most of a tank, shoot yourself instead. You are going to die anyway, and most likely be eaten.

18. Beware of strangers bearing strange tools. For example:

chainsaws
staple guns
hedge trimmers
electric carving knives
combines
lawnmowers
butane torches
soldering irons
band saws
any devices made from deceased companions.

19. If you find that your house is built upon a cemetery, now is the time to move in with the in-laws. This also applies to houses that had previous inhabitants who went mad or committed suicide or died in some horrible fashion, or had inhabitants who performed satanic practices in your house.

20. If you have just smoked dope, gotten drunk with a bunch of stupid frat boys or, especially, just had sex, you are as good as dead, so just kiss it good-bye!




Know the facts, folks. These aren't just suggestions.... GIGGLE

4 comments:

Rue said...

LOL! Good list - I think that covers almost everything!

Judith said...

Yes but I forgot.... if you see a bug, that's bigger then normal, and acting strange... squish it right away, before it grows!!!!

Domestic Witch said...

OMG those are great!!

The Frog Queen said...

Hysterical!!! ROFL!

I might have to share those :)

Cheers!